This episode centers on Ryan’s story, though it is held collectively. His background is deeply embedded in Mormon history: sixth-generation on both sides, with polygamist ancestry that shaped not just family structure but worldview. Mormonism was not something he joined; it was something he inherited, absorbed, and embodied long before he could evaluate it.
From early childhood, Ryan displayed a fascination with the unseen—cosmology, pre-existence, and the architecture of the afterlife. Even as a small child, he questioned the theological logic of eternal progression, pressing adults on the infinite lineage of gods implied by Mormon doctrine. These questions were rarely answered directly, revealing early on the limits of a system that claimed total truth but struggled with its own implications.
As a teenager, tension emerged between internal authenticity and external performance. Like many young Latter-day Saints, Ryan was required to publicly bear testimony in order to participate fully in youth programs. This expectation created anger rather than devotion. The demand was not simply belief, but vocalized belief—spoken before it could be fully owned. Learning how to navigate this pressure without outright lying became a formative skill, one that reflected the broader culture of conformity within the church.
That tension intensified at BYU–Hawaiʻi, where Ryan studied for several years. The setting was visually idyllic but institutionally rigid. Rules governing appearance, sexuality, and behavior were enforced unevenly, often revealing patterns of favoritism and gendered double standards. For Ryan, the problem was not discipline itself, but hypocrisy—the disconnect between moral rhetoric and lived reality. These contradictions eroded trust more deeply than doctrinal complexity ever could.
Ironically, church history did not destabilize Ryan’s faith. A respected professor taught openly about controversial aspects of Mormon history, acknowledging that truth would eventually surface regardless. That transparency provided context rather than crisis. What proved far more corrosive was learning about the church’s financial wealth. Through research conducted in restricted sections of the university library, Ryan discovered the vast scope of church assets. The scale of accumulated wealth stood in stark contrast to the limited humanitarian engagement he observed, raising ethical questions that could not be resolved through faith alone.
Approaching the age when Mormon men are expected to serve missions, Ryan sought guidance through the prescribed spiritual channels: prayer, fasting, and obedience. The anticipated confirmation never arrived. In Mormon theology, the absence of spiritual affirmation is often interpreted as a “no,” and Ryan chose to honor that answer. While internally coherent, this decision carried significant social consequences. Men who do not serve missions often experience diminished status within Mormon communities, affecting relationships, dating, and belonging.
Eventually, Ryan left BYU–Hawaiʻi and chose to pursue what he described as his own mission—one not assigned by the institution but shaped by direct experience. He traveled extensively through the South Pacific and Southeast Asia, engaging with people, cultures, and belief systems outside the Mormon framework. That journey led him to Thailand, where he participated in a ten-day silent meditation retreat at a Buddhist monastery. The experience proved transformative.
Ryan remained connected to the monastery for nearly a year, deeply immersed in Buddhist practice and seriously considering ordination. For the first time, spirituality felt immediate rather than mediated, experiential rather than prescribed. Ultimately, practical realities and unresolved internal conflicts—many rooted in Mormon conditioning around family, sexuality, and purpose—led him to step away from monastic life. Still, the experience marked a permanent shift in how he understood faith.
Mindy contextualizes Ryan’s story through astrology, noting the significance of the nineteenth year as a ninth house perfection year—traditionally associated with belief systems, philosophy, religion, and long-distance travel. Within Mormonism, this timing coincides with mission expectations, a pattern that raises questions about how developmental, spiritual, and symbolic cycles are institutionally leveraged. Astrology, in this context, is not presented as fate, but as a framework for understanding why certain questions emerge when they do.
Bianca holds the conversation together, framing Faith Meets Fate as a space where stories like Ryan’s can be told without conclusion or conversion. The episode does not resolve into certainty. Instead, it affirms the legitimacy of questioning, the courage required to leave inherited systems, and the possibility of meaning that does not depend on obedience.
Together, Ryan, Mindy, and Bianca offer not answers, but orientation—toward curiosity, integrity, and a life shaped by listening rather than compliance.
